A New Path

I am at this point in my life where I feel like I’m truly transitioning. It’s hard. My whole life I grew up thinking I was meant to be a model. I worked hard, but I never really reached my goal of being mainstream. I find myself wanting to go back to it and I really had to ask myself why. Is that something I truly want, or is it just familiar? Is it something I am passionate about, or am I just scared to let go of something that truly doesn’t serve me or my purpose anymore. People always talk about letting go of relationships that don’t serve you or make you happy, but what about a dream you once thought was the end goal and you realize it’s not. How do you grieve the death of a dream and step into your purpose?

Be YOU

This is a story about self-esteem and confidence stifled by family and how I’m over coming it at 27 years old. Growing up, I always had family trying to mold me into their version of perfect. I couldn’t dress how I wanted to without hearing something negative about it, I couldn’t listen to the music I loved without hearing something negative about it, and I couldn’t freely express myself without hearing something about it. Top that off with constant remarks about my weight and nose… safe to say my self-confidence was non-existent growing up.

I’m Planning A Wedding (Part. 1)

I don’t know about any of you, but I am the worst at planning things that involve aesthetics. I will have the vision in my head, but executing it is so difficult because I am not the creative design type. Also, why are weddings so damn expensive?! The guest list is my worst nightmare. Let’s not forget I’m planning in the middle of a pandemic. I always thought the movies were super dramatic when it came to wedding planning, but seriously, fuuuuck meeee.

Down December Pt. 2

Down December was probably one of the best decisions I made in 2020. Taking a full month to take a break from social media and refocus on reality really worked wonders for my mental health. I thought it was going to be much harder than it actually was, but turns out it’s much easier to be happy when you’re not bombarded everyday with the toxicity that comes with the internet.

All We Have Is Now

I read a quote today from the Costar app. This quote was specifically for Capricorn’s (which I am) and to preface it says, “What You Need To Hear” and goes on to say “Capricorn: There is no future. Don’t procrastinate on pleasure.” There is no future.

Down December

So, I have decided to delete all of my social media apps for the month on December. I kind of just woke up and decided that I’m doing it. When I was creating my “announcement” about it on my instagram story, I sat there and stalled. I started thinking “do I really want to do this?” I knew at that moment I had to do it. The fact that I even had a lingering feeling about not being able to live without social media for 31 days told me I had an addiction that needed to be addressed. I spend countless hours scrolling on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook looking at other people live their lives and sometimes even being guilty of comparing myself to them. I fill up all my downtime and silences scrolling mindlessly, and I forgot that I had hobbies outside of hitting the “like” button. I posted the announcement and deleted all of the apps, but now what?

Bliss (NSFW)

It’s morning. The sun is shining into the windows over our bodies as we sleep. I roll over into your arms and lay on your chest— I grin and open my eyes. Looking up at you, you are sound asleep— God, it’s a beautiful sight.

Long Distance Relationships

The Good, The Bad, The Future.

I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that most of us that are in long distance relationships did not think for two seconds that we would actually– and I mean actually– be in one. Of course, when you are with the right person, the distance doesn’t matter; it’s the love that counts. I have been in a long distance relationship with my amazing boyfriend for about five months now, and my relationship with him has been the most incredible experience of my life. I woke up today feeling… frustrated, so I wanted to lay out for myself (and maybe some of you) a.. reminder if you will, that it will not always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

High Functioning Cyclothymic

I’ve been in bed for three days.

I’ve masked this depressive period as being tired from work and school. I’ve masked it as needing a nap, when I’ve already slept for 12 hours. My mom made me get out the bed to get a graduation dress yesterday, but as soon as I got home (at5pm) I crawled right back into bed. I haven’t brushed my teeth today and I’m really trying to drag myself out of bed to shower. I’m feeling really heavy, so I decided I’ll just write about it.

Reasons

When deciphering how much I’m willing to put up with from a potential love interest, I fail to factor in my needs every time. I always think, “what if I give up and they were the love of my life?” What I’m actually saying and not even realizing is, “what if I don’t suffer through this and regret it.”

Love isn’t suffering. 

I just want to repeat that again because it needs to be cemented in my mind. 

Love is not suffering. 

How Mukbang ASMR Helped Me Cope With PMDD

“Yeahhhh, I’m gonna take my depression to the old town road; I’m gonna cryyyyy til I can’t no more.”

That’s what I text my best friend on a late Friday night. I was so serious, but ended up re-reading it a bunch of times and laughing about it until tears were running down my face.   I felt so crazy lol.

This is just my person experience, so I am in no way speaking for anyone else…

The week before my period is a fucking nightmare.

I Just Want To Write

I’ve had writers block for what feels like months. I’ve asked many friends on what to do when this happens. Some suggested meditation, some suggested to just let it come when it comes, and someone told me “Vent. Blockage comes from a backup of unaddressed thoughts.” So, I’m going to vent.

Bound

I just want to write for you

And tell you that I see you.

I know you carry the weight of curse

And interweaved trauma,

But I see you.

Amidst all of this chaos

I’ve held onto pieces of you that you couldn’t carry..

Parts of you that shan’t dare be lost.

Come here for a moment

And let me hold you

Let me remind you, that it is all temporary.

Your strength doesn’t go unnoticed,

But you don’t have to act for me.

You don’t have to put on a show

You hurt and I know;

Let me comfort you.

Your weakness comes not from vulnerability,

But from the parts of you that you try to hide— the best parts;

You’re perfect.

You can always come to me and let your soul cry

Because I’ve been in that place where the roars of swallowed screams ferment.

You are not alone.

And I won’t judge you.

Whatever love I have I will give it.

I promise you this.